Fifty

1974 - Those Eight Months in the Year Before I Was Born (Were Pleasant)

Instrumental

1975 - Shame!

Shame!

"Put some clothes on that baby!"

They held me up in that hospital room.

Yes, they held me up, naked, in that hospital room.

And while I'm sure I cried,

I like to think I smiled with pride.

But then my mama said...

1976 - I Don't Remember (Being One)

Well, I remember everything,

Almost everything that I've done.

I remember everything, both the present and the past,

But I don't remember being one.

I remember being two, three, and four.

I remember having so much fun.

I remember being a child and my teen years and beyond,

But I don't remember being one.

Yes, I'm sure that 1976 was a good year:

It was the Bicentennial, when both Jimmy Carter and Rocky won.

Yes, I'm sure that 1976 was a good year,

But I'd be lying if I said I remembered a ton.

Yeah, I've always been noted for my memory,

But even if you held a gun

To my head and asked me even one thing that I did,

I'd say, "Sorry, I can't help you, hun,"

Because I don't remember being one.

1977 - My First Memory

I'm standing in a white room. It's the largest room I've ever seen.

My arm is outstretched, holding the finger of my six foot four dad.

My brother is standing near. He would have been seven years old.

Miles across the room in a wheelchair, I see my smiling mom.

I believe this was my first memory...

I know it sounds like a dream,

But it was my first memory.

I don't know if I'm right, but here is what I think.

I think that this was the day that my sister was born.

There also was another time when Mom had some procedure done.

When she finally came back home, I said, "My mama's at the hospital."

 1978 - Life Begins at Three

I learned how to read

When I was three.

Don't know how it happened.

I guess I'm just a freakin' genius.

I saw Wonder Woman

On our TV.

She gave me very special feelings.    

Hey, I guess that means I'm straight.

Life begins at three,

At least for me.

This song isn't suitable, oh no,

For anyone under three.

There was a hundred piece puzzle.

It was not for me,

But I did it anyway.

Like I said, I'm just a freakin' genius.

I listened to Blondie,

The soundtrack to Grease,

Sha Na Na, and Kenny Rogers.

So I guess I'm a musical guy.

1979 - I Really Like Drums

Oh, I really like drums.

Yes, I really like drums.

I can't even tell you how much...

I had a wagon that I turned into a drum set.

I had construction toys that I used as sticks.

I will listen to the drum fill in a song a thousand times.

I will let you know that Ringo is my favorite.

Will a day come when I get to play in bands? (Yes.)

I am certified by doctors as drum crazy.

My mom says I was drumming before I was born.

1980 - Michelle

Not for anything I'd done,

But for getting done early with my work.

She later told my mom that she just didn't know what to do with me,

Not because I misbehaved.

She'd just never seen anyone like me.

I'd read all their books and seemed to know everything they wanted to teach me.

I guess that she figured

I shouldn't be in her class at all.

I was a dreamy-eyed boy, I missed my mom, and I would cry easy.

I never asked to be born.

It's kind of weird that we're born.

Then there she was.

Her name was Michelle.

It was the first time I noticed girls my age could be pretty.

So here it was.

Here's what the fuss was all about.

Now she was here, maybe I could go on.

There was a time in class when they brought in these letter people.

They were made of ballons,

And they were meant to teach Kindergarteners how to read.

When they brought in Mr. M, they said no one do anything naughty,

Like giving him a kick,

So what do you think I did?

I figured if I was going to rot in the corner anyway,

I may as well

Have a reason for being there.

In the corner I stood, and I went into my usual trance-like state.

Could I disappear?

Could I please just disappear?

But here she was,

This girl named Michelle.

The universe was absurd, but it could also produce human beauty.

It's not that I liked her.

I didn't want to be her boyfriend.

But I'll never forget that pretty face for the rest of my life.

Yeah, you can call me shallow,

Tell me beauty's only skin deep,

Or maybe you think these thoughts are odd for a five-year-old boy.

But she saved my life.

Her name was Michelle.

Because she was so pretty, I now had a reason to live.

Because Michell was so pretty, I now had a reason to live.

1981 - Apparently

Apparently, there is a god who made all of this, and he lives in the sky,

And, apparently, the first two humans ate some forbidden produce, and now we're all evil,

And, apparently, his solution to evil was that we kill farm animals so he could smell them cooking,

And, apparently, even if we killed animals, he still  wanted to kill us, and usually with rocks.

If you said his name wrong, he would put you to death.

If you were gay or a wizard, he would put you to death

If you upset your parents, he killed you with rocks.

If you stole someone's slave, he put you to death.

If you had sex with an animal, he put you to death.

If you were that animal, he put you to death.

If you touched the wrong mountain, he killed you with rocks.

If you were raped but didn't scream, he put you to death.

But then, apparently, this god had a son, and this god's idea was to put him to death,

Because, apparently, if we killed god as a human, we wouldn't have to kill animals or each other,

So, apparently, now that this plan happened, after we die, we can live in the sky,

But, apparently, there are some odd conditions, like being dunked underwater and going to church.

So on Sunday mornings, I was going to church.

On Wednesday nights, I was going to church.

Even Saturday evenings, we had a church meeting.

You would know this was normal if you just went to church.

I was born evil. I learned this at church.

Men are better than women. I learned this at church.

Sometimes you had a demon who would live inside you,

But you could be cured if you just went to church.

At two, I sat under a pew. There was nothing to do, so I absorbed it all.

By four, I had learned all the lore. It was lodged in my core. Yeah, they get you when you're small.

At six, I could expertly mix. Speaking in tongues was a trick grownups taught me to do.

It would take years deconstructing these fears, all these intricate gears, all the things that were just not true. 

But yeah, apparently, Noah's flood was real.

And, apparently, the talking snake was, too.

And, apparently, God really cares about foreskins.

And, apparently, there is a mark of the beast.

And, apparently, church leaders sleep with children.

And, apparently, we're one big spiritual family.

And, apparently, we keep it in the family.

Because, apparently, that's what good families do.

Yeah, apparently, there are over two billion Christians.

And, apparently, we're all waiting for Jesus.

And, apparently, we all have things in common,

Like, apparently, we all sing about blood.

Apparently...

 1982 - Obsessions

Finish my work and then draw Snoopy.

On my lunchbox, there was Snoopy,

Every day, I drew that Snoopy.

I was known as the kid who could draw Snoopy.

I could draw lots of things, but mostly Snoopy.

Give me a pencil. I'll draw Snoopy.

My first stuffed animal was Snoopy.

Hey, I'd like another stuffed animal.

Something else? No, just a stuffed animal.

What do you mean I have too many stuffed animals?

I don't want anything except for stuffed animals.

I also liked this other girl.

I thought I could buy the girls stuffed animals,

Or maybe I could draw them Snoopy.

Or I could play them the drums.

Yeah, I really like drums.

Oh, and there was another girl

Who was funny and cute, and she liked Snoopy.

Why? do you think that I have obsessions?

I have strong interests, not obsessions.

Besides, what's so wrong with obsessions?

1983 - Me and Andy (At the Roller Rink)

Every Saturday morning, everything was great,

Because I knew that afternoon I would get to skate.

I'd wake up by seven, watch five hours of cartoons,

Eating Fruit Loops, frozen Kool-Aid, and my sandwich at noon.

Andy was the name of my best friend.

He was my roller skating partner until the end.

Our rink was Funtime Skateland, if you didn't know.

We'd lace up our roller skates, and we'd go go go.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, baby.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

We're lookin' pretty fresh. Hey, whatcha think, ladies?

We glided to "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This,"

"Don't Stop the Rock," and "That's All" by Genesis.

We backward skated to "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Yeah, the tunes the DJ played were works of art.

When we needed a break, we'd play arcade games,

And our mad skills there were quite insane.

We could play Tron and Ms. Pac-Man, too,

But my favorite game to beat was Kangaroo.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, baby.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Wanna play Dragon's Lair? Hey, whatcha think, ladies?

The skating rink had a weekly limbo contest,

And because I was so skinny, I was the best.

I'd go into a crouch, then bend to the side,

And everyone around me would watch me slide.

I'd sit out to let others win, depending on the prize,

Like if it was just a drink or an order of fries.

But if a stuffed animal was something I could win,

I'd say to Andy, "I'm gonna rock the limbo again."

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, baby.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

I'm the limbo master, whatcha think, ladies?

Have you heard the tale told across the land

'Bout how me and Andy beat Superman?

He flew into the rink with his stupid cape,

And said he thought he could roller skate.

He skated 'round the rink at bullet speed,

And everyone started taking heed.

But we knew we had to beat this guy

When he looked at our ladies with X-ray eyes.

Andy said, "Yo, Supernerd,

We own this rink, or haven't you heard?"

Andy spun on one skate and gave him a glance,

Then he started doing the Hokey Pokey dance.

I said, "Superdummy, if you're such a star,

Challenge me to a limbo." Then I lowered the bar.

He flew underneath, which of course was cheating,

But I still managed to give him a beating.

The man's super strength was his undoing,

When his muscles hit the limbo bar, he was ruined.

So we told Supe to get out, and then:

"Superman can return, if he wants to lose again!"

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, baby.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

We're like kryptonite. Yeah, whatcha think, ladies?

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, baby.

Me and Andy at the roller rink.

Yeah, me and Andy at the roller rink, ladies.

 1984 - Prince

We were friends, and we talked a lot. I didn't stalk around.

I was more like Linus, minus his insecurity.

In fact, she may not have been cool enough to be with me.

I was a man of action, so I left her a little note

That asked if she liked me. She answered "I don't know."

I took that as a negative, and so I moved along.

In fact, I think I'll move on with this song...

And sing about Prince,

Phil Collins,

Culture Club,

and The Cars.

Yeah, I'll sing about Prince,

Kenny Loggins,

Newcleus.

And Madonna.

So my advice is if you find yourself in the fourth grade:

If you like someone, tell them straight away.

And if they say they like you back, then hey that's really great.

But if they tell you no, then that's okay.

'Cause you can listen to Prince,

Phil Collins,

New Edition,

And Cyndi Lauper.

Yeah, listen to Prince.

Kenny Loggins,

Bruce Springsteen,

And Billy Idol.

Yeah, the beautiful ones always seem to smash the picture,

Always, every time.

But don't be blue. Don't let that elevator get you down.

Just party like it's 1999.

And go crazy with Prince.

You can take me with you,

So you won't cry

Like a dove.

Darling, if you wanna hear Prince,

'Cause, baby, you're a star.

And, one day, I hope

That you'll find love.

In the purple rain,

I hope that you'll find love.

 1985 - The Mid-80s

I rode my bike every day,

My fourth grade teacher was so great,

My family had been to Disney World,

And most of my friends were girls.

Everyone around me was really smart.

Making my own comics was my art.

Judy Blume and Narnia on my reading list.

Yeah, it was general bliss.

It was the mid-80s...

Ronald Reagan was awful, but I didn't know.

Iran-Contra was a TV show.

I knew next-to-nothing about AIDS.

But I knew we could be nuked any day.

It was the mid-80s...

We even got Cherry Coke

And New Coke if you wanted a joke.

Michael J. Fox was everywhere.

I really wanted his hair.

Nostalgia is a nightmare.

1986 - The Knob

In the third grade,

But I barely knew him then.

We made papier-mâché.

He was also in my homeroom class

In the fifth grade,

But I barely knew him then, too.

He sat too far away.

But in sixth grade,

We played drums in the band.

Yeah, we sat together right there in the back.

We made jokes.

We paradiddled,

Rolled double strokes.

He was both a wiz kid with computers and a heartthrob.

He'd teach me everything I know.

We'd even have our own radio show.

And they called him The Knob.

Turns out, we liked the same girl,

But he liked her for longer than me,

'Cuz he liked her for ten years,

But I liked her for only a week.

And he also liked J.R.R. Tolkien,

But not so much C.S. Lewis,

And we were funny, but our fiction was serious.

We laughed.

We made jokes

We told for years.

You just don't know.

We started many projects, though we didn't always finish the job.

He taught me everything I know.

He taught me Linux and DOS and Windows.

And they called him The Knob.

Yeah, we laughed

At our own jokes.

He taught me everything I know.

And they called him The Knob.

1987 - Band Camp

But I'm gonna talk about another place full of loathing and fear.

"The rules of Fight Club: don't talk about Fight Club" I'm sure you've heard them say,

But I'm gonna talk about a magic place where the rules just fade away.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp...

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

You know I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

Yeah, it's a week in summer that exists outside of time.

For some it is a nightmare, and for all it is sublime.

Relationships only last a few days, so grab 'em while you can.

You might go in a girl or boy, but you come out a woman or man...

When you go to band camp.

You go to band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

You'll probably see some things that you don't really wanna see.

You'll probably say some things you'll regret, if you're anything like me.

But life is short, and camp is even shorter, so live 'em without fear.

And if the fates of the forest call to you, you'll be back in a year.

You'll be back at band camp.

Oh, glorious band camp.

Great and terrible band camp.

Cause I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

Barely supervised and barely teens, in the woods all night and day.

I didn't really like the girl I was with, but we made out anyway.

And, yes, I guess I learned a new drum solo on my snare,

But mostly I learned things I cannot share...

'Cause I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

Yeah, I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.
I'm talkin' 'bout band camp.

I'm not talkin' 'bout band camp.

1988 - How Did This Happen?

With a 1950s theme.

For fun, we did choreography.

An eighth girl was paired with me.

We used the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.

She and I danced really well together.

It was clear that she liked me.

It was clear that I liked her, too.

In the past, when someone liked me,

I hadn't liked them back,

Or if I liked someone,

They hadn't liked me back.

So how did this happen?

How did these stars align so perfectly?

How did this happen?

Could such things really happen to me?

How did this happen?

My best friend Andy also met an eighth grade girl

Who was best friend of the girl who liked me,

So it was best friends liking best friends.

Was this some sort of enchanted party?

And I haven't even mentioned:

She was the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.

Sure, I was a cute guy,

But it blew my mind that she liked me.

How did this happen?

I'll never have a problem with self esteem,

No matter what happens,

Because this really awesome girl liked me.

How did this happen?

The next day, before class,

The two girls sang a song they had written for us

About how much they liked us.

It was set to the tune of "My Boyfriend's Back."

And so it happened.

I asked the girl to go with me.

I gave her my Swatch watch.

In junior high, that was like wearing a ring.

How did this happen?

I'm now going with this perfect girl,

So funny and smart.

We hold hands and kiss between classes.

How did this happen?

1989 - The White Witch

Has escaped from the wardrobe.

She's got me.

I don't know how, but she found me.

Maybe I should explain.

You see, Edmund's my name.

It's not really my name.

I guess I should explain.

In art class,

I saw her and was enchanted.

The way she moved,

Like a tree nymph or a goddess.

She was seven feet tall.

Her feet did not touch the floor.

She had a really long last name.

It wouldn't fit on any forms.

I asked if she

Had read the works of C.S. Lewis.

My first words to her,

Then we imprinted on each other.

I was her first boyfriend.

We listened to R.E.M.

We wrote letters without end.

She was my first love.

Will we get to finally kiss at camp?

Will we get to go to prom in high school?

Will I get along with her mom and dad?

Another life for Edmund and the White Witch?

It's possible I'm just under a spell.

Or perhaps she's actually the North Wind

Or a dark-haired, brown-eyed Galadriel.

Sweet Loretta, Laura Jean.

She'll forever be my Lori,

Even if she's a Narnian queen.

1990 - This Is Real (It's Like I'm Real)

We all seem inspired by Dead Poets Society.

It's like I'm real. I write on a computer now.

I'm writing short stories, and I think they're pretty good. Yeah!

This is real. We recorded our first album.

Our band is called 'nikcuS. We adlib all the songs. Yeah!

It's like I'm real. I made the snare drum line in marching band.

I'm the only freshman. I also made the jazz band.

This is real. We're filming short movies

Under the name of Tuesday Afternoon Pre-Recorded.

It's like I'm real. We do comedy cassette tapes

Called the DUSKBUSTERS! They're passed around school. Yeah!

This is real.

This is real. I have another girlfriend.

I average about two a year. I guess that's how it is. Yeah!

It's like I'm real. We're often unsupervised.

I've got adult decisions that I have to make. Yeah!

This is real. I guess I am a writer,

Musician, and director and comedic actor. Yeah!

It's like I'm real. I share my art with my girlfriends.

They don't run away, at least not for that reason. Yeah!

It's like I'm real.

This is real.

It's like I'm real.

 1991 - Gold and Blue

This was true when you were sixteen years old.

The world was shiny, and you felt so bold.

Golden and warm.

Your computer monitor was amber monochrome.

Twin Peaks was filmed in a sort of sepia tone.

Then, of course, there was the girl with the golden hair.

You sort of fell for each other at the science fair.

You got a third place golden trophy in Behavioral.

You really liked that she read more books than you

And that she could speak French when she wanted to.

Oh oh, oh everything was

Oh, oh everything was

Oh, oh everything was gold.

Everything was blue.

At age sixteen, nothing was more true.

The world took on a melancholy hue.

Blue and full of doom.

Like the cover art of Enya's Shepherd Moons.

Bluer than Buster Bunny from the Tiny Toons.

Well, of course, you were the boy with the bluest eyes,

And you could match her wits, unlike the other guys.

Under those twinkling Christmas lights, you could look at her forever.

It started going south after that thing with her mom.

She kept you both apart, but you still went to the prom.

So true that everything was

True, that everything was

True, that everything was blue.

Your school colors, they were gold and blue.

They looked good together, and so did you,

But you would still split up in '92.

I guess, like R.E.M., you were out of time.

You did it all for love, like Color Me Badd

And you were 2 legit 2 quit, just like Hammer said.

Yeah, the way it finally ended was a mystery.

You lasted fifteen times longer than Desert Storm.

I suppose you didn't cause nearly that much harm.

With you two, everything was gold and

True, everything was blue and

Oh, everything was gold and blue.

1992 - Tommy and Fire Walk With Me

It's senior year. We rule this school.

I'm the drum captain. He's first chair trombone. We got

Elected as photographers for the band,

And later this year, we're going to Disney World.

I'll bet that one of us

Will earn the superlative of Most Talented.

We even make short films. We have a

Popular video called Fun With Numbers.

We're fans of musical theater.

Our number one composer is Andrew Lloyd Webber, and

We like The Phantom, of course,

But our favorite musical is Jesus Christ Superstar.

And we're also movie buffs.

Of course, the best director is David Lynch, because

Twin Peaks really changed our world,

And you're gonna hear about how our favorite motion picture is...

Fire Walk With Me.

No movie better than Fire Walk With Me.

We've started collecting media.

I've got a bunch of books, and we have some VHS.

What he has the most is albums on cassette.

He has more cassette tapes than anyone I know, and

I've got a few tapes, too,

But I'm gonna have to trade them all in, because

I bought a CD player with my babysitting money,

And my first CD was...

Fire Walk With Me.

The soundtrack to Fire Walk With Me.

Oh yeah, Tommy and Fire Walk With Me.

My best friend Tommy and Fire Walk With Me.

1993 - Asceticism Lite: College Edition

I rediscovered Jesus

Via Andrew Lloyd Webber,

So I re-read the Gospels but also Eastern literature.

So now I'm here at college

As a Christian Taoist,

Majoring in English as an uncarved block of wood.

The wind seems to blow for me as I walk by.

Lord, it's hard to be humble, but I try.

I wake up for class at seven.

My bedtime is nine-thirty.

My dharma seems to be academics and staying well.

So I ace all my classes,

Drink milk and lots of orange juice.

I'm at my heaviest weight of one hundred and twenty pounds.

I would like to say I'm an ascetic, but it's not quite true.

I don't drink and I don't smoke, so what do I do?

Turns out, I still love Lori,

The girl from eighth grade art class.

I keep her photo in a frame in my dorm on my little desk.

I guess it's complicated.

Since senior year, it's been uncertain.

She says she loves me, too, but somehow nothing's happened yet.

I guess I'll wait until our relationship becomes more clear.

It's a lucky thing there are no other girls around here.

 1994 - She Makes Me Feel Like ABBA Songs

There's this thing at college called the Internet.

That's where I met her.

We got to know each other through electronic letters

And then IRL, which of course was even better.

She's a fan of all the same stuff I like:

They Might Be Giants,

Douglas Adams, frolicking under great blue skies, and

A fun attitude that could be called defiant.

My first few hours of the day are classes.

The rest are with her,

Watching Twin Peaks or hanging with her sorority sisters,

And if we're ever apart, I totally miss her.

Because she makes me feel like ABBA songs,

Like it's springtime all year long.

And, yeah, it's spring right now,

But I mean it'll feel like spring even when it's winter.

She makes me feel like ABBA tunes,

Makes me feel like I'm so cute,

But not as cute as her--

Not as cute as "she," if I want to be grammatical.

I really hope that everyone can meet her.

She's really funny.

She's Dot from Animaniacs crossed with Babs Bunny.

I don't think that it rains anymore, 'cause it's so sunny.

If you ask me have I been this happy,

Well, I don't think so.

We like to lie on an island 'neath a weeping willow

Or just be very close to each other on a comfy pillow.

Because she makes me feel like ABBA songs.

Everything is right because nothing's wrong.

Sure, as a religious guy,

I have moral dilemmas, and she gets caught in the middle, but

She makes me feel like ABBA tunes,

Just as lovely as "Clair de lune."

That's by Debussy.

I guess you knew that. I don't wanna insult your intelligence.

1995 - The Magnetic Fields

But she made me a mix tape of lots of cool indie bands.

She was from New York. I was a bumpkin, so all of it blew my mind.

It started my path to becoming an indie fan.

The tape had The Halo Benders, Superchunk, and Morphine,

Sebadoh, and the song "Madonna of the Wasps,"

But -- most importantly -- "100,000 Fireflies"

And "Born on a Train" by The Magnetic Fields.

The Magnetic Fields...

You gotta remember, this is before they were semi-famous.

It would be a few years 'til 69 Love Songs came out.

As "indie" as most got was Green Day or Smashing Pumpkins,

So almost no one knew what I was even talking about.

The music knew who I was but also rewired my brain.

I learned an all-new way of writing songs.

To this day, I don't think that there's an album more perfect for me

Than Distant Plastic Trees by The Magnetic Fields.

Okay, actually, there was a girl I didn't tell you about.

She and I dated for a handful of months.

She programmed computers, and she lived in the country.

I hope all of this isn't boring you too much.

She broke up with me, and normally that's not a problem,

But I guess I was feeling lonelier those days

After all the other break-ups and weirdnesses with Lori

And how all of my friends seemed to hate The Magnetic Fields.

I guess it's just me and Stephin from now on...

1996 - Twenty-One and Tired of Life

I'm twenty-one now.

That doesn't mean I'm having fun now.

It feels like everything's been done now.

It's my last year of school.

Weezer's Pinkerton came out.

It hits too close to home: know what I'm talkin' about?

At least Rivers Cuomo got to let it all out.

I've never felt so uncool.

I got an apartment with Noby,

But my classes get in the way of our fun.

It was a mistake to minor in secondary education.

I just wanted to read books. Now I'm full of frustration!

Monday night, I'm making Janeane,

And Tuesday night, I'm making Marlene,

And Wednesday night, I'm making Eponine.

I'm feeling like such a tool.

I started a new band with Lori.

It's called 100,000 Fireflies.

What will happen? I don't know.

We're not destined for the radio.

1997 - Everything's Gonna Be Better from Now On

You're not gonna teach high school.

They said, "You'd be a great professor,

But this is not the job for you."

You're gonna write fiction.

You just got in to grad school.

The Bartheleme boys and Mary Robison teach here.

I'm sure that they will adore you.

After all the misery,

It feels good to be back here at school,

Just sitting at campus, where you belong,

Letting all the bad bleed from you.

And it's gonna be different,

And it's gonna be good,

And nothing bad'll happen,

'Cause nothing bad could.

And you won't be lonely.

You've got all of your friends.

It's time to start it all over,

To begin again.

And everything's gonna be better from now on...

 1998 - What the Hell Is Wrong with Rusty?

What the hell is wrong with Rusty?

I don't know, but I've got some ideas.

I mean, it seems pretty obvious to me.

Just, uh, gonna stay away, I guess? Yeah.

I don't know, but I know.

We all know...

1999 - Space Camp

The next best thing was taking a summer job

Chaperoning a group of smart kids who were

Studying science at a rocket-testing facility.

NASA hooked me up with a condo

And an oversized van for driving the kids around.

At night, I would hang out with them,

And during the day, I was chilling out near the beach.

I also recorded an album.

I got some of the kids to sing some tracks for me.

I also played a lot of You Don't Know Jack

And contemplated life with a chaperone named Lee.

After what I'd been through, this experience was like rebooting.

Feeling like myself again. The other me was not computing.

Ready now to blast off, ready now to go up in a shuttle.

I am thankful for the place that got my head out of a muddle.

Space Camp! Ahh ahh!

When I got home from Space Camp,

Most of my friends were happily waiting there.

They were glad I was back on earth in one piece.

I was not beyond repair.

I got my wisdom teeth removed, was gonna start my PhD.

They'd give me an award for fiction. Teaching was in front of me.

Life was gonna change again because I'd soon be meeting Liza.

It was all because I blasted off into the starry skies at...

Space Camp roll call:

Mindy! Kenneth! Shantelle! Reed!

Tameka! Yi-An! Elisabeth! Ab!

Vioncka! Anthony! Courtney! Matt!

Brittany! Rudi! Liz! Amal!

2000 - How Am I Supposed To Write A Song About You?

How am I supposed to write a song about you?

I already wrote you a song on the day we met.

And we've made dozens of songs together:

Some hard to remember, some impossible to forget.

How am I supposed to write a song about you?

How could a five-minute song say what you've meant to me?

I suppose I could start it all at the beginning.

The year was 1999, and it was Halloween.

Our mutual friend decided we should get together,

And she was right. We liked each other from the start.

You looked like Claire Danes, you were comfortable, and you cracked me up.

You showed me Buffy the Vampire Slayer and made me art.

Y2K, we started the new year together.

I loved that I could start the next thousand years with you.

In July, we rented a house: you, me, and your dog.

I've listed these things. So now what should I do?

Because how am I supposed to write a song about you?

You've lived inside my bones and knew me outside and in.

I love you, Liza. You put me at a loss for words.

Could you fill in the lyrics for me until this song ends?

2001 - Gettin' Political Now

Who should she vote for in the coming election?

I said to vote for Carter. He's the guy we know.

I think I wanted to maintain the status quo.

When I was nine, yeah, I was told I liked Reagan.

I didn't know that they were wholly mistaken.

At thirteen, Dana Carvey was my version of the prez.

At seventeen, I saw Bush speak in person, and he said:

"We believe in one god: Jesus Christ."

Jesus Christ, I thought, this isn't very nice.

I know enough to know that we have freedom of religion.

I guess I hope that Clinton wins and shatters his whole vision.

But then Bill Clinton made a semen stain famous.

If we disliked that man, then how could you blame us?

I didn't vote at twenty one. I didn't like Dole.

And Dana Carvey, once again, was my Ross Perot.

At twenty-five, I didn't vote again, but even so,

I got so mad when "W" won, I threw the remote control.

Politics snuck up on me, and it was getting bad.

The Supreme Court chose the president because of hanging chads.

So I guess I guess I'm gettin' political now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Come on, let's dance to the left. Let me show you how.

Just a little step to the left. You can do it now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Maybe I'll vote the next time it comes around.

I'll keep on dancin' to the left and gettin' down.

I get my info from The Daily Show news team.

Now that I know things, the whole world is confusing.

As I'm losing my religion, I am caring more and more,

While Bush and Cheney lie us into a war.

After 9/11, everybody lost their minds,

Confusing patriotism with falling in line.

I guess that I'm just hoping it won't get worse from here,

Like if that war criminal gets four more years.

I guess I guess I'm gettin' political now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Come on, let's dance to the left. Let me show you how.

Just a little step to the left. You can do it now.

I guess I guess I'm gettin' political now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Let's go, let's go, let's vote Republicans out.

Just take a step to the left. You can do it now.

I guess I guess I'm gettin' political now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Come on, let's dance to the left. Let me show you how.

Just a little step to the left. You can do it now.

I guess I guess I'm gettin' political now.

I guess I guess, just a little political now.

Come join the radical left. We are gettin' down.

Come on, let's dance to the left. Let me show you how.

2002 - The Rio Grande Valley

I had earned my PhD, which was no guarantee of a job.

I needed to find a position or become a penniless slob.

A mountain of student loan debt from which to make my fall.

It all seemed rather desperate until I got that call.

They offered a 5/5 teaching load, class sizes at 33,

And 37,000 dollars a year. They asked would those things be fine with me.

I would not be on the tenure track. The contract was from year to year.

We could work out the other details just as soon as I got here...

To the Rio Grande Valley!

Ten minutes from the Mexican border.

I could put my life in order.

I could start it all anew.

The Rio Grande Valley!

Over 100 degrees in the summer,

But nothing here is ever a bummer.

The Rio Grande Valley.

I got an apartment across the street from the university.

Only two ninety five a month for rent, and they threw in my cable TV.

I bought my lunch at El Pato, used CDs at the Hastings store.

Only a three hour drive to  anywhere else. Who could ask for anything more?

The Rio Grande Valley!

Home of the National Butterfly Center.

Snowbirds drive here for the winter.

You can buy corn on a stick.

The Rio Grande Valley!

My days are filled with bougainvillea.

I would really love to see ya

In the Rio Grande Valley.

One afternoon on South Padre Island, when I was flying a kite,

I saw the chupacabra and La Llorona, and the daytime turned to night.

"Six years you will live here and then no more," is what they said to me.

Was this a vision, or was it real? How long will I get to be...

In the Rio Grande Valley?

Also home of the World Birding Center.

Sometime I eat El Pato for dinner.

Why do they even have Taco Bell here?

The Rio Grande Valley!

She holds me tight, just like a lover.

There truly is no other

Like the Rio Grande Valley...

2003 - The Class Reunion

Hey, everything is bad today.

Why is life so hard when you're in your twenties?

The center cannot hold, they say.

At least I'm no longer hoarding pennies.

I need a lifeline from the past.

You're far away, but I need you with me.

No pressure, but if you're not here,

Survival's looking pretty iffy, so...

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I'm going to be there.

You can wear a fancy dress,

And I can try to fix my hair.

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I need you to be there.

If you go to the class reunion,

I can last another year.

I know you've got your problems, too.

Come go with me. We'll forget 'em together.

And if we dance the night away,

I promise you we'll both feel better.

No one on earth like you and me.

You are my better-than-best friend.

Let's see our puffy classmates together,

Then we can face real life again, so...

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I'm going to be there.

You will be so beautiful,

And I'll take a stab at "debonaire."

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I need you to be there.

If you go to the class reunion,

I can last another year...

If you're there...

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I'm going to be there.

Hand-in-hand, we'll truly dazzle,

Really make folks stop and stare.

Are you going to the class reunion?

'Cause I need you to be there.

If you go to the class reunion,

I can last another year.

2004 -  Hoffy

Years ago, in another world,

The universe gave birth to a tiny girl.

She was launched to the earth like a shooting star,

And she grew like a flower in my back yard.

She tried to fit in on this earthly globe.

She took the form of Lisa Loeb.

I was loud, but she barely made a sound.

I assumed she didn't want me around.

But we gave each other a second look

When I poked around in her doodle book.

Millions of drawings of her alien friends.

In a way, that's where this song begins.

Found myself around her more and more,

At student parties and video stores.

She'd roll me 'round in a little ball

And stick me in her pocket, though I'm quite tall.

When I moved away, we had our doubts.

Took us way too long to figure it out.

But, eventually, we became a pair,

Though I was here and she was there.

To explain what she is could take all day.

Her name is Hoffy, by the way.

She's greater than the sum of her parts,

But some of her parts are really great, and they include…

Dimples, straight hair, cute skirts, really good dancing,

Glasses (tortoise shell), works out, good at romancing,

Five one, curly hair, dark jokes, pajama pants,

Perfect sentences. Perfect girl for me, oh yeah.

So, here we are in 2004.

Long-distance lovin' can be hard, for sure.

But we take cars, and we take planes.

We started a blog. It keeps us sane.

We bought digital cameras. We send daily pics.

We talk on the phone, but it doesn't do the trick.

We started a band. We go to the beach.

I don't even know how we have time to teach.

She even talked me into going to Disney World.

She gets me out of the house. I know: absurd!

This year, you'll be getting our Christmas card.

Still can't believe that she landed in my yard.

I should go now so we can start our day.

Her name is Hoffy, did I say?

Still greater than the sum of her parts,

And some of her parts are really great, and they include...

2005 - Enya and System of a Down

This was my last year of living alone.

Next year, me and Hoffy would be renting a home.

I wrote a dozen short stories, played video games.

I played some live shows just to spread my fame.

I made seventeen albums, watched lots of M*A*S*H.

Other than used CDs, I saved my cash.

I was always busy, had plenty to do,

But mostly I just listened to...

Enya and System of a Down.

Enya and System of a Down.

Whenever no one was around,

I listened to Enya and System of a Down.

In late November, on the same day,

Amarantine and Hypnotize both came my way.

Different from each other but so much the same.

They both could tell you my secret name.

So let the Oronoco flow.

It's only time, and I want tomorrow.

If we eat chop suey and B.Y.O.B.,

We can avoid toxicity.

It's written in our book of days,

No matter how the song is played,

Whether it's Nü Metal or New Age,

We all have to turn the page.

2006 - One More Thing

You got your PhD.

You moved to the Valley with me.

You're working at the university.

You share an office with me.

You share a home with me.

So let's do one more thing.

Let's get engaged.

When our students ask for Dr. Spell,

We won't know which one they mean.

When you look down at your finger, well,

You'll see a diamond ring.

2007 - The Parrot Jungle

At the Parrot Jungle,

Come join us for our wedding day.

At the Parrot Jungle,

Take the MacArthur Causeway.

You can eat from a sushi boat.

You will find a whole crawfish on your plate.

There's only one criticism, you know:

"There's too much food! There's too much food!"

At the Parrot Jungle,

See Carrie in her wedding dress.

At the Parrot Jungle,

You can see some parrots, too, I guess.

Noby will be giving a toast,

Lori will organize karaoke,

There will be a Friars-style roast,

And Tommy will not get any drum cake!

At the Parrot Jungle,

Where I will write the wedding march.

At the Parrot Jungle,

Help yourself to the open bar.

My parents bringing tacos to the rehearsal dinner.

Carrie's parents sitting happy on Chiavari chairs.

Every-one dan-cing to "Rock Lobster."

Carrie's cousin might invite you to a titty bar!

At the Parrot Jungle,

To be known as Jungle Island soon.

At the Parrot Jungle,

Then St. Augustine, our honeymoon.

At the Parrot Jungle,

Come join us for our wedding day.

At the Parrot Jungle.

At the Parrot Jungle!

2008 - The Good News

Good news: there never was!

A long time ago, before the Internet,

We looked to the sky and asked, "What are we doing here?"

Everything seemed to kill everything else.

We lived in a world full of darkness and fear.

Then someone decided that nature wasn't nature

But was actually controlled by animating spirits.

And some guys thought, "If we could talk to these deities,

We'll get what we want. There will be no limit."

So if you gave these priests your food and money,

They would put in a good word to the spirits for you.

This developed into systems we know as religion,

With many competitions over which one was true.

It all became normalized eventually,

The majority of people believing in gods.

And if you dared to think anything else,

You could be shunned or killed because you were odd.

But good news: there is no god.

Good news. There is no god.

When I was born, I didn't really stand a chance.

Everyone that I knew said God created all of this.

Not just my pastor and my mom and my dad

But my teachers and the TV and the president.

I was a boy who liked to learn,

So I learned all I could about the subject of God,

But the funny thing about learning is

It can teach you all the things you were never taught.

And I learned: there is no god.

It took me over thirty years, but there is no god.

The stars in the sky were not placed there by a being,

The art that you made was not inspired by a muse.

Don't believe them when they say you were born broken.

There's no such thing as "sin." There's probably nothing wrong with you.

It's time to flush out thousands of years worth of poison.

They call this "losing your faith." What a beautiful thing to lose!

And good news: there is no god.

2009 - I Don't Know What Happened This Year

In the 80s, we had new wave.

In the 90s, we had alternative rock.

But what do we have today?

I'm sure I must have read a book I liked.

I'm sure I must have seen a movie.

Is it that nothing ever happens

Or that nothing happens to me?

Did time really stop at Y2K?

Or was it something caused by the weather?

Or is there a certain point in your life

When everything blurs together?

When I look back upon my life,

It's seldom with a sense of shame.

There's not too much I want to forget.

There must be something else to blame.

'Cause when I think about this year,

I can't remember anything.

What even is 2009?

What is there to sing?

2010 - We Bought a House

There really is a creek. We're on Lot 54.

We got to watch it all being built from scratch.

We chose the model with an open floor plan. 'Natch.

Kitchen countertops are granite: giallo antico.

Carpet upstairs and hardwood down.

The interior paint is Shaker Beige.

The exterior: San Antonio Sage.

We got a porch in the front and a deck in the back,

A little patch of woods where the squirrels all live.

There's an office for me and a Hoffice for my lady

And a special little room just in case we have a baby.

Come stay in our guest room. You get a full bath.

You can park anywhere inside the cul-de-sac.

We only have one neighbor since this whole thing is new.

The next one could be you.

2011 - The Day You Were Born

A lovely dancer appeared on the day you were born.

A brilliant artist appeared on the day you were born.

The world's funniest comedian appeared on the day you were born.

All born on the day you were born.

A scientific genius appeared on the day you were born.

A star of stage and screen appeared on the day you were born.

A thoughtful scholar appeared on the day you were born.

The sweetest person in the world appeared on the day you were born.

2012 - Your First Full Year

I was thirty-seven, and you were now six months.

FEBRUARY. Uh oh. You started pulling up on things.

We lowered the mattress in your crib so you wouldn't fall to the ground.

AND MARCH. Time marches on. You went inside your first restaurant.

We installed a babygate in the hallway by the stairs.

APRIL. First Easter. First time on a swingset.

We gave you Nanners the Bunny. So cute.

You got your little push toy and a splashy pool for summer.

IN JUNE. Ooh hoo. We bought a real camera.

We can take a photo of you on the grass on Father's Day.

JULY. Oh my. You're turning one year old this month.

We throw a rainbow party, and you're starting to walk around.

IN AUGUST. Like always, it's the month where nothing happens.

It was so hot we stayed inside the house.

Time for more cupcakes and more playing on the floor.

OCTOBER. It's Halloween. You dressed up as a cowgirl.

You had fun at the pumpkin patch. You really liked the corn.

NOVEMBER. Thanksgiving. You ate tiny strips of turkey.

We elected Obama again. Enjoy it while you can.

DECEMBER. For Christmas, Santa got you a little stroller.

It's almost a new year again. That's right.

2013 - In My Car

The week I bought a home, someone crashed into my car--no, that was not fun.

The biggest purchase of my life, and now I gotta go and do another one.

But it's all cool. I'll swap my gold one for a blue.

Both Corollas, cause that's my car.

The month I had a baby, I was forced to get braces. That was no fun.

And now there is another change. I have to switch my job and get a new one.

It's an hour away. That's two hours a day.

That's a long time inside a car.

Oh, when I'm driving in my car,

Oh, wondering why it is so far,

Wishing I taught online

Or that I could retire,

But just I'm just thirty eight.

At least I'm not old.

I broke down and bought a cell phone, though I never really wanted one. They're no fun.

But I figured that if I break down, I'd need a way back into town. I got one.

I got Audible, too, and Spotify, for the tunes,

To pass the time inside my car.

Oh, when I'm driving in my car,

Oh, I won't say it is vunderbar,

But I have nonfiction books

And every album ever made,

And the WT

F podcast.

Oh, when I'm driving in my car,

Oh, no one would know I'm a rock star.

I guess I'll drive all my life

Until I run out of gas.

Maybe I am in hell.

When I'm in my car.

2014 - Twin Peaks Party

Twenty-five years later, we turn forty.

On New Year's Eve, we have a party.

We drink David Lynch's signature coffee.

Four of us are turning forty.

We dress up as Twin Peaks characters.

I am Agent Cooper, Noby is Jacoby.

Lori is the Double R, and Tommy is the Giant...

Our living room has become the Black Lodge.

I have nineteen hours of soundtrack archives.

Our table covered with doughnuts and pie.

Here are the others at the party.

Carrie is the Log Lady. Nora is the Little Man,

Jason is Pete, and Michelle is Tojamura.